Change. Such a difficult thing for me usually. Yet for some reason, I find it easier on this trip.
If you asked anyone at home to describe me here are some things you might hear: nice, quiet, reserved, works when asked, not a fan of school work, often lazy when not properly motivated, and almost never talks about herself on any deep level.
Then last night we had what is called a feedback session. It is a time where we tell each other what we feel or notice about each other, whether that is building them up with compliments or offering constructive criticism. And what some of the things people told me came as a complete surprise and shock.
John told me that he admired how I worked hard and did not complain too much. I almost looked around to make sure that there was no secret twin sister in the room. Me? Work hard? Not complain? Not something that I am used to hearing about myself, especially since my work ethic at home is terrible. I usually work when asked to or under duress.
Then Angie added that I was an inspiration to her in the way that I worked. WHAT? I have never inspired anyone in my life to do anything good. Someone else on the team (I can not remember who or it might have just been a general consensus thing) said that they saw Jesus in me through the way I worked…. that just floored me.
I nearly cried when they were talking. I have never really been anything more than a temporary headache to most people outside my family. I have never thought of myself as someone who could actually do some good in the world. I mean, I did not think I was a horribly person, but I thought I was nearly incapable of change of any kind despite my best efforts. I am so used to being the leech or shadow in a group. But God had been doing some amazing changes in my since I left Charlotte, North Carolina on the 8th of September. It has been hard and challenging but it is so exciting to see that my efforts are finally bearing fruit.
And my relationship with God has drastically changed on this trip. In some ways, it has really just started on this trip. I had been feeling very spiritually stagnant before the trip and was kinda nervous that I would not be able to keep up with the people here because of it. Instead it has bloomed and grown on this trip. I can really feel Him with me now. Not just in the special moments at church or when something really good has just happened but in many of the other more normal moments. I feel Him with me while I am working with the sun on my back. I feel Him with me while washing dishes that are piled practically to the ceiling. I feel Him trying to calm me when I am angry. It is a totally new experience for me. I feel like I have a true living relationship with Him now, not just this dead stagnant obligation that I think about every now and then. I hear Him talking to me when I want to give up or slack off. Whenever I feel like slowing down my work pace or not trying as hard, a bible verse comes into my head and repeats itself like a mantra: “do everything as if for the Lord”. It has become my motto for this trip. I can not begin to describe to you what it feels like to hear God speaking. I’m not crazy, I promise. I don’t hear a voice thundering down from heaven or whispering in my ear. It is more like a random thought that pops into my head with force and repeats myself. It has been an incredible journey thus far and I am looking forward to what the next month and an half hold. God is good!
